I’m not a Democrat. Their reluctance to cut spending in the face of a runaway deficit and their confidence in government social programs as cure-alls for society’s ills frighten me. I’m not a Republican. Their hardline refusal to raise taxes on any Americans and their judgmental attitude towards women who are victims of violence anger me. Neither party represents me well, so I propose a third party. I’m calling it the T.P. party – T.P. in honor of Thomas Paine, because the government certainly needs a dose of common sense today. And yes, T.P. to help deal with all the crap the current government is dishing out.
My Thomas Paine quote of the day is, “We have
it in our power to begin the world over again.” With the inauguration of
President Obama for his second term and a new Congress, the time for a new
beginning is here. To help you, I’ve come up with a list of New Year’s
resolutions for the President and the 113th Congress:
1.
Lose
weight. The budget is bloated. I work in the software industry, and
especially since the economy tanked, “lean development” is a buzz word. We need
lean government. We need legislators willing to pass needed legislation without
padding it with pounds and pounds of pork. We need government leaders who are
willing to take a hard look at government programs and see where they can be
cut or run more efficiently. For the Democrats, don’t automatically go into attack
anyone who mentions cutting Social Security or welfare as a greedy capitalist
pig who hates babies and the elderly. Be willing to take a hard look at these
programs and see if there’s a way to run them more cheaply. For Republicans,
don’t assume everyone who talks about cutting Defense spending is a closet
commie. We need to examine our spending in this area too, especially as our war
efforts in the Middle East ramp down.
2.
Quit
smoking (or blowing smoke, anyway). Instead of talking about
bipartisanship in the same speech as you take potshots at the other party, leave
off the inflammatory rhetoric. You won the election. You don’t have to
campaign, for a few months at least. We don’t need the Congressional equivalent
of mean girls, who get their thrills from excluding and putting down anyone not
in their crowd. You’re all Heathers. Focus on getting work done, not on making
the other guy look bad.3. Meet someone new. Who knows? The Democrat or Republican across the Senate aisle may have a secret Cyndi Lauper fetish or a collection of old Mad magazines also. You’ll never know unless you reach out. My suggestion is to have a spend-the-night party on the Senate floor. The senators will eat microwave popcorn, listen to One Direction tunes, and reveal embarrassing things about themselves. Suggestions include, “I used to have a Mohawk!” “My first Atari game was Dr. Mario!” or “I actually voted for Michael Dukakis!” Yes, it all sounds very seventh-grade, but I’m hoping Congress is ready for this leap in maturity. And who knows? We might see some new mixed-party BFFs.
4. Spend money wisely. If you can’t make your budget, you either need more income or fewer expenses. Basic economics. Yes, I know government spending is not exactly the same as household spending, but for those of us who don’t run our own countries, it’s the best model we have. Our deficit is ridiculous. The fiscal cliff deal actually increases it, in spite of the fact that it raised income taxes on a small percent of Americans and Social Security taxes on a large percentage of us.
Since it doesn’t seem likely a significant tax increase will come soon (other than the increased costs associated with Obamacare), you need to generate income in another way or cut expenses. How could you generate income? Retool boring CSPAN broadcasts of hearings and filibusters into a dynamic reality show called Potomac Shore. Then charge CNN and MSNBC to carry it. Create and sell your own line of swag: US (Chocolate-covered) Mints; wireless surround-sound Speakers of the House; a collaboration to produce House Whips for Shades of Red, White, and Blue fans; a calendar featuring Hunks of the House and Studs of the Senate. Or you could all get second jobs and pool your tips to create a Save the Seals fund (not the sea animal – the highly trained naval operatives).
If raising more money does not appear feasible, your alternative is to cut spending. How about abandoning that top-notch healthcare plan you have and joining Obamacare with the rest of us? Cut out lifetime pay? Stop lobbying for pork projects in your district? If these hit too close to home, maybe it’s time to try other strategies. You could invite the Extreme Couponers for a how-to session, and maybe they could find you a BOGO deal on a Patriot missile.
5. Spend more time with your family. Enough with the cliff-hanger season finales. CSPAN was going to renew you anyway. Legislate responsibly instead of creating artificial high-stakes showdowns, and you won’t have to spend New Year’s Eve watching the veins in John Boehner’s face explode. All of you should have been celebrating with your families, or at least with your favorite intern, instead of locked in stuffy Capitol chambers trying to prevent a crisis of your own making. You also ruined our New Year’s. The media hype over the fiscal cliff almost made me overlook some Brad/Angelina and Jessica Simpson stories! Retailers can also blame you in part for a weak holiday season. It’s hard to get in the mood to buy Uncle Fred a lobster for his iPhone when the world is about to end or we’re about to go over a fiscal cliff. It’s also Olivia Newton-John’s fault. She missed a golden opportunity to brighten the season with a remake of her 1981 hit: Let’s get fiscal, fiscal! Let me hear your money talk!
6. Get in shape. Paul Ryan, you’re excused from this one. Just keep doing what you’re doing. For the rest of you, I’d like to suggest some possible exercises for the New Year: reaching (out to the other side), stretching (government dollars), walking (the walk instead of just talking the talk), jogging (your memory so you won’t forget the oaths of office you’re taking and the fact that you represent everyone in your district, not just the ones that voted for you). You have a lot of work to do as you approach Fiscal Cliff #2, and if you train for it by practicing getting along together and playing nice, negotiations may go more smoothly.
If the President and 113th Congress could focus on
these resolutions (or something similar), we might avoid the gridlock and vitriolic
partisanship of the past Congress. My New Year’s message to them: Welcome, and
welcome back to office! You have it in your power to begin the world over
again. Use it well.
